:(

Dear Diary,

I’m scared, and I feel so lonely. I just want someone to fall back on. I want to know what’s going on with me. I wish I was able to talk about everything that’s inside of my head, but I can’t yet. What if all this waiting and delaying is finally causing me physical trouble? I’m worried about everything I do, now. And feel fragile. Scared to eat fatty foods or drink alcohol. So much is consuming my mind. I wish I were happy with myself and where I am in my life. And, I wish I could get over and past this obsessive thinking on everything. I feel like I’m stuck behind a clear, thick glass where I can see how happy can be or feel, but I’m keeping myself in this glass. It’s why I stay so distant to everyone….I don’t like my real self.

A Letter to You

I thought of writing you a letter a couple times after the fight.  It almost seemed useless, though…still kind of does.  Although I still miss the good times.

I just wanted you to know that the whole time I wanted it to work.  I told you before that I wanted you to be the one that could be perfect for me.  But you weren’t.  And I can’t change a person.  But one thing I can finally see is that you never realized what you had.  Yes, I was a mess and still am a mess…but you couldn’t see past that.  I feel like our relationship widdled down to just sex.  It’s what we both wanted.  I miss having that sometimes.  Mostly when I drink.

But I can’t get past the fact that you never loved me.  And I don’t know why I let that bother me.  Maybe it’s because I have moments like this where I get so upset that I wasted so much time worrying about how I hurt you.  I never focused on myself.  And the times I finally tried to, I was trying to let go of you.  I felt like it was the best thing for us to be apart. 

With you around all I felt was guilt. 

Anyway before this gets too far…I just wanted to say, I was there, too.  You weren’t the only one.  I have feelings, too.  Even if they seem to be different from one day to the next.

I saw something on TV today.  It was on a stupid Match.Com commercial.  But the girl at the end said, “I just want to find someone that I can’t wait to see again.”  And, that’s how I feel.  And I can’t be so hard on myself just because I am not interested in certain people.  I just need to learn how to keep distance while figuring that out…so then I wouldn’t cause pain.

I don’t want to hate myself.  But sometimes I ask myself, “What’s wrong with me..”

And then my other half is like, “NO.  STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN.”  If I keep blaming myself, other people will just blame me too.

And one more thing - I care about you.  I just think you need to make changes…and so do I.

Moments

It’s a surreal feeling when a close group of friends meet other friends that you knew growing up, and/or used to be close to. It’s a really comforting feeling but with a pinch of hurt. Weird to explain but enjoyable. Reminds me of the times.

I give in

But I don’t want to say I do

F*** I miss it.

My Rambling and Your Open Ear

Today I was thinking while my dad was updating me on some things going on at their house…

That I wish you were around so I could just tell you how I feel about the whole mess with them and how I’m worried; feel scared and lost and not sure how to handle the situation.

But I can’t just talk to you again. 

2 reasons:

I could be denied

Vicious circle

But I do miss it.  A part of me is still in denial that this is “over.”

Then the other part of me fast-fowards to all the other times that I’ve had heart-to-hearts with you…and how each time it went in the same direction.  I hope to someday find someone I can feel these same things for.  And something that will last.  Something I can actually feel.

My Opinion

Relationships at this age are whacky.